My confession: I once owned a lawn mower with three wheels

29 Mar

Drawing by Gus Morgan

Last year’s drought killed huge patches of my lawn. My once lush St. Augustine oasis has been reduced to a patch of weeds, leaving it looking like a dog with mange.

It may never return to its former glory, but I am determined to whip it back into shape. However, there is one problem. I need a new mower.

You see, I buried my old push mower last year. It was time. It lived a long and fruitful life. I bought it 10 years ago for $100. But last year, the back right wheel snapped off, and I was stuck with a three-wheeled mower.

To put it bluntly, having a three-wheeled mower is not good. It’s like owning a three-legged dog (For the record, I have never owned a three-legged dog, but one lives down the street from me. This is not a lie.). And no, I couldn’t just buy another wheel to replace the old one. The metal body where the wheel attached had rusted away. Imagine a mower with leprosy. That’s what I had.

In retrospect, that mower made me famous, or rather the laughingstock of Saddlebrook Village. When I would bring out my mower, my neighbors would stop and stare.

I could feel their prying eyes judging me and my machine.

I know what they were thinking: “There’s Gus again with his three-wheeled mower. That poor son-of-a-bitch. Why doesn’t he just buy a new mower?”

So this winter, I finally trashed my old mower in disgust. But I never replaced it.

And a man without a mower is no good really. To remedy my loss, I began searching for a replacement. I went to Lowes. I went to Home Depot. I went to Sears. At these stores, I would stop in front of the mower sections and look. And look. But I never bought one. Frozen by price shock, I would retreat, thinking I would buy again another day. Nope.

Now, I still have a weed eater, but it is worthless. It’s electric, and, in theory, should handle all the trimming needs for my suburban lawn. I paid $70 for it about two years ago. But the line is supposed to spool easily and it doesn’t. No bumping required it says. Lies. All lies.

It refuses to dispense line correctly. And so I leave it sitting in my garage, a weed eater timeout. But it mocks me from its corner. I’m going to get rid of it, too.

And so, for now, I’ve turned to using a lawn man to take care of my yard. His machines are like rock stars. He has a self-propelled lawnmower, a commercial-grade Honda that cost $1,000. And his weed eater cost him $500, the Porsche of weed wackers.

I’ve been outclassed by my own lawn man. This I cannot stand.

I’m going back to Home Depot today. Probably just to look.


2 Responses to “My confession: I once owned a lawn mower with three wheels”

  1. brandonmoeller April 11, 2012 at 8:32 pm #

    Why don’t you just buy a new mower, you poor … ?


  1. Jaydon at Driggers Small Engine, Inc « The Adventures of Jaydon and Daddy - March 30, 2012

    […] My confession: I once owned a lawn mower with three wheels ( […]

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